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Alignment




Pleasing colleagues. Pleasing your boss. Pleasing you friends. Pleasing your family. Pleasing your partner. These are the thoughts that race through my head daily. Every move I make is so calculated, so thought out, and the constant chatter that engulfs my mind and body is: What do people think of me? It is so exhausting, being a person whose entire self-confidence, self-love, and happiness comes from other people's perceptions of me.  Even when I am being "authentic" there is a lens to it- I will be only authentic enough to please the people around me. I will seem wholesome, and pure, and content because this is valued. But at the same time when I smile and take a picture I am sucking in my stomach, showing off a new outfit, wearing make up, so I can show the world that yes, I have it all- I am whole, and beautiful, and confident, and happy.

It is all completely not genuine and I am calling myself out in this post. I have always let the world around me influence my decisions and recently I have been feeling the pain from this mentality. When I make a mistake at work, I immediately take it to my core, stressing out and losing my confidence, losing my ability to think clearly, and succumbing myself to wallow in self-pity. "People think I am stupid, people don't think I can do this job, people are catching on to the fact that I am just pretending". Then with my friendships and relationships, I will try so hard to be "whole" and "content" and "peaceful" so that my friends see me as a holistic individual. But the second I lose control of this persona whether it is due to a personal issue or an external force, I show my sad, confused, and doubting side. I then immediately think, "oh man, here I go again, I am losing control and these people are seeing who I truly am. A fraud."

It's really tiring living like this, constantly playing a part, playing Harini: the girl who is funny and smart and and confident and whole. When I really just feel lost and confused.

I have recently learned that during these times when I feel helpless and lacking control in other people's perceptions of me: I have to truly learn how to find inner love for myself. But how do I do this? So many self-help books talk about self-love, its all over social media, basically being thrown in our faces by influencers and celebrities, "learn to love yourself and you will find inner happiness" but HOW do you love yourself? I started exploring this question more and more and my realization is simple. It comes to alignment. I can love myself when I truly feel my mind, body, and spirit connected and in alignment.

The only time I can feel this alignment is when I am focusing on my relationship to God and how I can best serve him. I can't even begin to explain how beautiful, light, incredible, and amazing I feel when I am doing service and deepening my relationship with God. When I engulf myself in God's love I see that I am so much more than I limit myself too. I am a spirit soul, journeying in this world to deepen my relationship with others and with God to eventually go back to him. Once I find this alignment, once I understand my core value and goal of this life: to serve, all the people pleasing, all the lack of confidence, and the imposter syndrome, and the need to have control, the need to be perfect, and showcase beauty and strength, all of that goes away. I am just raw, and real. Finally, completely, true to myself.

My alignment to God brings me my self-love, my happiness, and my strength. It is the only thing that will save me in this world of confusion, and harsh expectations. So I pray the next time I start doubting myself, and forgetting what my core persona is, I remember that I am not in control, I just have to focus on serving and loving and have faith in God's plan for me.

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