Impatient. Frustrated. Annoyed. Confused. Scared. So scared.
Two weeks ago, I hit the six month mark at my job. As my coach gave me an amusing congratulations, and the other analysts and I breathed a sigh of relief that we had made it this far, I felt the strangest wave of panic pinch my heart. As I sat at my desk staring out the window at the buildings that had once brought me so much wonder and excitement, I felt unease.
Here I am a college-educated woman, with a competitive first job, working in the city of my dreams, surrounded by intelligent and kind people, and all I feel is dissonance. A feeling that I don't belong, that I am incomplete, that I am not aligned.
It's interesting...when we're in school all we want is to get hired, to be able to prove that the money and time we had spent in our education was meaningful, but what happens when we make that leap and begin working? A couple days go by and the new wears off, a couple weeks go by and we begin wishing for the ability to be back at school surrounded by learning. Finally, months and years go by and we lose ourselves, lose what we originally had loved about the field we had pursued, and see only a vast abyss of darkness, confusion, and frustration.
I know its a little overdramatic and pre-meditated for me to be feeling this way, I have only been at this for six months, but every time someone older smiles and sighs, explaining that I have so much ahead of me and they tiredly say, "wait until you have been working longer, then talk to me about hating your job" those words just scare me even more. Am I just going to become this corporate robot, working my 9-5, days merging into weeks, life going on and me always feeling disconnected with my job?
I don't want to sound ungrateful or like a "first-world brat." I saw the struggle my parents went through. The anxiety my dad still battles every day that stems from his fear of being unemployed, of not being able to support his family, and the worry of being on foreign land with so many responsibilities. But at the same time I think, my dad worked so hard so that I could have more than he ever could. Me settling for the mediocre, and being disheartened every day, is not what my dad had hoped for in his daughter's life.
The answer is pretty simple. The Bhagavad Gita explains how each of us have a specific dharma or duty. This has been a concept that I have reflected in other blog posts and it's ironic how this concept keeps circulating into my life. Each of us has a specific dharma and a nature that aligns with that. For me, establishing strong relationships and teams, learning more about technology and the world around me, and using my analytical skills to create and communicate are where I feel like I would be in alignment with my nature.
Now I need to start making the connections and making the moves. I am so tired of complaining, of being stagnant and settling. Honestly, when I don't have passion in the job I am in, I don't have the motivation to go the extra mile, to work hard, and strive for success, I just try to get by and move on to my next task, and wait for 5 pm to roll around. This cycle needs to stop.
I am going to pray to make a more intentional effort to be sincere in the work I do and also make an intentional effort to move my career into an area that does align to my dharma. I am going to pray for clarity, strength, and determination to guide me and I will not let fear be my crippling weakness.
I have waited too long. Too long for jobs to just fall in my lap, for start-up ideas I have to just materialize into actions, I am not waiting any longer. I am restless for the first time in a while, and its the push I need to create, to build, to grow.
I refuse to sette for mediocracy.
Two weeks ago, I hit the six month mark at my job. As my coach gave me an amusing congratulations, and the other analysts and I breathed a sigh of relief that we had made it this far, I felt the strangest wave of panic pinch my heart. As I sat at my desk staring out the window at the buildings that had once brought me so much wonder and excitement, I felt unease.
Here I am a college-educated woman, with a competitive first job, working in the city of my dreams, surrounded by intelligent and kind people, and all I feel is dissonance. A feeling that I don't belong, that I am incomplete, that I am not aligned.
It's interesting...when we're in school all we want is to get hired, to be able to prove that the money and time we had spent in our education was meaningful, but what happens when we make that leap and begin working? A couple days go by and the new wears off, a couple weeks go by and we begin wishing for the ability to be back at school surrounded by learning. Finally, months and years go by and we lose ourselves, lose what we originally had loved about the field we had pursued, and see only a vast abyss of darkness, confusion, and frustration.
I know its a little overdramatic and pre-meditated for me to be feeling this way, I have only been at this for six months, but every time someone older smiles and sighs, explaining that I have so much ahead of me and they tiredly say, "wait until you have been working longer, then talk to me about hating your job" those words just scare me even more. Am I just going to become this corporate robot, working my 9-5, days merging into weeks, life going on and me always feeling disconnected with my job?
I don't want to sound ungrateful or like a "first-world brat." I saw the struggle my parents went through. The anxiety my dad still battles every day that stems from his fear of being unemployed, of not being able to support his family, and the worry of being on foreign land with so many responsibilities. But at the same time I think, my dad worked so hard so that I could have more than he ever could. Me settling for the mediocre, and being disheartened every day, is not what my dad had hoped for in his daughter's life.
The answer is pretty simple. The Bhagavad Gita explains how each of us have a specific dharma or duty. This has been a concept that I have reflected in other blog posts and it's ironic how this concept keeps circulating into my life. Each of us has a specific dharma and a nature that aligns with that. For me, establishing strong relationships and teams, learning more about technology and the world around me, and using my analytical skills to create and communicate are where I feel like I would be in alignment with my nature.
Now I need to start making the connections and making the moves. I am so tired of complaining, of being stagnant and settling. Honestly, when I don't have passion in the job I am in, I don't have the motivation to go the extra mile, to work hard, and strive for success, I just try to get by and move on to my next task, and wait for 5 pm to roll around. This cycle needs to stop.
I am going to pray to make a more intentional effort to be sincere in the work I do and also make an intentional effort to move my career into an area that does align to my dharma. I am going to pray for clarity, strength, and determination to guide me and I will not let fear be my crippling weakness.
I have waited too long. Too long for jobs to just fall in my lap, for start-up ideas I have to just materialize into actions, I am not waiting any longer. I am restless for the first time in a while, and its the push I need to create, to build, to grow.
I refuse to sette for mediocracy.
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