I have always considered myself a pretty confident person. I have felt so sure about my personality, my determination, and my abilities. So its embarrassing to admit, but very real, that the perception I have of my external appearance can override the perception I have of my internal qualities.
A lot of it comes from validation. People will tell me that I have a certain feature or a certain aspect of my body that is beautiful and I treasure that validation. I admire myself for having those traits and the second they get tarnished, a pimple on my forehead or a discoloration on my face, I immediately get paranoid. Paranoid that the beauty that others saw in me is dwindling away, and then I won't feel special, I wont feel accepted, I wont feel loved. It's interesting how validation works. When I am at my happiest, serving others and God, and doing what inspires me, the compliments I get are so genuine and so unexpected. They make me feel not only special, but they inspire my entire being to continue doing more for others and God. But the validation I get for my outward appearance, it makes me obsessive and controlling. Paranoid of my outward perception to the world, and maintaining a standard of beauty that ultimately, will dwindle with time.
Recently, its been my body. Growing up, I would never consider myself as being skinny. I have always maintained a slim figure through exercise and playing sports and being so short, but being skinny has never been in my DNA. My entire family of females are compromised of beautifully curvy women that has been passed down to me. However, all I can do nowadays is obsess over my weight. On my way to work, I'm constantly looking over at other women and assessing their bodies, noticing their legs, their arms, and comparing them with my own. At lunch I carefully watch what I eat, and even if I snack a little around 3 pm, I'm subconsciously adding up the calories in my head. If I don't make it to the gym because I am tired and need a day of mental rest, I beat myself up for it, and work extra hard the next day.
I've shared in other blog posts that I am type A, and an obsessive overachiever. When I was in school, I could assess my progress through doing well in my classes, and feeling validated that I was smart and successful. In the real world, no one is patting my back every couple of weeks giving me an A telling me that I am working hard and doing well. So what do I do? I try to overachieve physically, try to "transform" myself so others can validate that I am pushing myself, I am working hard, and the results are showing.
Let me tell you, it's exhausting living like this.
I am constantly competing with no one other than myself, and I am never satisfied with where I am right now, in this moment. I just want more. More beauty. More fitness. More intelligence. More success. More, more, more. But for what? Am I happy being my own worst critic? Am I peaceful looking at myself in the mirror every day, pinching my fat and calculating how many more months before it sheds away? The entire process is draining, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This need for being the top, the brightest, the most beautiful, all it does after a week, a month, a year, a lifetime, is make me bitter and critical of others because I have never been able to accept and love myself.
So here is my prayer.
I am going to try be more KIND to myself. I will go to the gym because it makes me feel good. Because when I work out I feel healthier and happier. NOT to slim down, or lose weight, or look like a fitness trainer that I will never be. I will eat healthy because it makes me stronger and more alert and aware. NOT because no calories means more beauty. I will try to practice taking care of my outer appearance so that my inner self; my mind, my spirit, my soul is hosted in a body that is healthy and at ease.
This is a JOURNEY of self-love. I know I won't wake up tomorrow after this prayer and feel absolutely content with how I look, or my abilities, my success, my aspirations. But just by being aware that I have this nature, and checking myself when I am getting out of control, is a starting point.
I do believe that if you have determination you can do anything. You can be fit, you can be intelligent, you can be talented, you can be successful. But how much is too much? When do we slow down? When do we appreciate where we are, love who we are, accept who we are, right here, right now, present, in this very moment?
A lot of it comes from validation. People will tell me that I have a certain feature or a certain aspect of my body that is beautiful and I treasure that validation. I admire myself for having those traits and the second they get tarnished, a pimple on my forehead or a discoloration on my face, I immediately get paranoid. Paranoid that the beauty that others saw in me is dwindling away, and then I won't feel special, I wont feel accepted, I wont feel loved. It's interesting how validation works. When I am at my happiest, serving others and God, and doing what inspires me, the compliments I get are so genuine and so unexpected. They make me feel not only special, but they inspire my entire being to continue doing more for others and God. But the validation I get for my outward appearance, it makes me obsessive and controlling. Paranoid of my outward perception to the world, and maintaining a standard of beauty that ultimately, will dwindle with time.
Recently, its been my body. Growing up, I would never consider myself as being skinny. I have always maintained a slim figure through exercise and playing sports and being so short, but being skinny has never been in my DNA. My entire family of females are compromised of beautifully curvy women that has been passed down to me. However, all I can do nowadays is obsess over my weight. On my way to work, I'm constantly looking over at other women and assessing their bodies, noticing their legs, their arms, and comparing them with my own. At lunch I carefully watch what I eat, and even if I snack a little around 3 pm, I'm subconsciously adding up the calories in my head. If I don't make it to the gym because I am tired and need a day of mental rest, I beat myself up for it, and work extra hard the next day.
I've shared in other blog posts that I am type A, and an obsessive overachiever. When I was in school, I could assess my progress through doing well in my classes, and feeling validated that I was smart and successful. In the real world, no one is patting my back every couple of weeks giving me an A telling me that I am working hard and doing well. So what do I do? I try to overachieve physically, try to "transform" myself so others can validate that I am pushing myself, I am working hard, and the results are showing.
Let me tell you, it's exhausting living like this.
I am constantly competing with no one other than myself, and I am never satisfied with where I am right now, in this moment. I just want more. More beauty. More fitness. More intelligence. More success. More, more, more. But for what? Am I happy being my own worst critic? Am I peaceful looking at myself in the mirror every day, pinching my fat and calculating how many more months before it sheds away? The entire process is draining, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This need for being the top, the brightest, the most beautiful, all it does after a week, a month, a year, a lifetime, is make me bitter and critical of others because I have never been able to accept and love myself.
So here is my prayer.
I am going to try be more KIND to myself. I will go to the gym because it makes me feel good. Because when I work out I feel healthier and happier. NOT to slim down, or lose weight, or look like a fitness trainer that I will never be. I will eat healthy because it makes me stronger and more alert and aware. NOT because no calories means more beauty. I will try to practice taking care of my outer appearance so that my inner self; my mind, my spirit, my soul is hosted in a body that is healthy and at ease.
This is a JOURNEY of self-love. I know I won't wake up tomorrow after this prayer and feel absolutely content with how I look, or my abilities, my success, my aspirations. But just by being aware that I have this nature, and checking myself when I am getting out of control, is a starting point.
I do believe that if you have determination you can do anything. You can be fit, you can be intelligent, you can be talented, you can be successful. But how much is too much? When do we slow down? When do we appreciate where we are, love who we are, accept who we are, right here, right now, present, in this very moment?
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