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Guilt on top of guilt on top of guilt

Love. It is the most powerful. The most terrible. Everyone wants it. Ultimately everything we crave from success to beauty can all be attributed to gaining love. But you know what I am realizing? Love ALWAYS comes with expectations, with desire, with pain, and guilt. Always the guilt. Guilt for being a bad friend. Guilt for being a bad daughter. Guilt for being a bad lover. The minute you bring people into your life, the guilt just gathers and gathers. Until all you can feel is hatred for yourself, for being the worst person ever, because you cannot love to the expectations of those around you.

Or maybe it's just me that feels this way? Trapped by love so that I wish I had no people around me, so the pain wouldn't be there. No. That's not what I want. I love people, I love their passions, their hopes, their aspirations, their humor, their love for me. I know when I am hurting they are too.

I just wish there is love where guilt, pain, and sadness doesn't follow. Is that possible in this world? Because the feeling I have right now, the hatred I have for speaking up when I should have stayed silent, is so strong. But then what good is silence. The pretense that I am happy when I am not. Do we all want the pretense so much that when we open up with the ugly, we make people run away?

I know what I ultimately need. I want unconditional love. I crave it. I want to give unconditional love back. God. Krishna. Hari. He is the only one we are told that can love like this. A love so powerful that what we have in this world can never compare to it. O how I crave that Love. A love so deep that I cannot even know what it must be. A love so pure, so honest, so right. I need that love. Krishna please please please bring me to feel your love. please. I am begging, crying, needing.

Only through tasting your love, will I even remotely be satisfied and content with the perverted love we have in this world. I want the real. I want the deep. I want LOVE.

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